Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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