Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
