dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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