If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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