I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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