Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
