My nipple is on Facebook.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
