Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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