"it" just moved
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
