I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
