Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
