So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This girl is more easily done than said...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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