Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
