god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
