Umm I'm too high to move.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
