I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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