i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize