3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
