my vag is so smooth its legendary
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
