you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
