he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
