I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize