I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
