i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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