This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
