Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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