can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
