The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
