If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
