I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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