I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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