Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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