I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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