my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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