Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
