fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize