She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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