There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
