You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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