mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
