so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
