The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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