can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
