She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
you made out with another girl for some wings
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
