how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
