here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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