Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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