i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
