My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
