Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
