at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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