Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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