I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
please come you make the beer taste better
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize