I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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