That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
