what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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