its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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