I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
