So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
