Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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