I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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