You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
